The Deschooling Guide: What to Do Before You Start Teaching
You pulled your child out of school last week. You've got curriculum on the way. You're ready to start this new chapter. So why does every attempt at "doing school" end in tears—theirs or yours?
You might be skipping deschooling, and it's costing you both.
Deschooling is the transition period between leaving traditional school and beginning formal homeschooling. It's not a vacation, and it's not laziness. It's a deliberate reset that allows children (and parents) to decompress from institutional patterns before building something new. The general guideline: one month of deschooling for every year your child spent in traditional school. A child leaving after third grade might need three months. A middle schooler might need five or six.
Skip it, and you'll often fight battles that didn't need to exist. Honor it, and you build your homeschool on fresh ground.
Why Deschooling Matters
Children who've attended traditional school have absorbed years of institutional conditioning—some of it helpful, much of it limiting for a home education environment.
They've learned:
- Learning happens in a classroom, at a desk, during school hours
- The teacher tells you what to do and when to do it
- Mistakes are penalized; getting it wrong is bad
- You wait to be told what comes next
- Learning is separate from "real life"
- Finishing quickly is better than going deep
- School is something to endure until it's over
These patterns don't disappear the day you file your homeschool paperwork. A child who spent years learning to wait for instructions won't suddenly become a self-directed learner because you handed them a workbook. A child who learned that mistakes mean red marks and disappointed faces won't immediately feel safe to struggle with hard material.
Deschooling gives everyone time to unlearn these patterns before building new ones.
Signs Your Child Needs Deschooling
Not every child needs an extended deschooling period. Some bounce back quickly; others need more time. Watch for these signals:
- Anxiety about "getting it wrong"—excessive worry about mistakes, reluctance to try unless they're sure of the answer
- Waiting to be told what to do—unable to self-start or choose activities without direction
- Negative associations with learning—eye rolls, groans, or shutting down when anything feels like "school"
- Rushing to finish—prioritizing completion over understanding, asking "is this enough?" constantly
- Resistance to anything that looks like schoolwork—even subjects they used to enjoy
- Statements like "I'm stupid" or "I can't do this"—internalized messages about their abilities
- Boredom and lack of curiosity—the natural drive to learn has been dampened
The more of these you observe, the more your child likely needs a genuine transition period before formal instruction begins.
What to Do During Deschooling
Deschooling isn't "no learning." It's learning without formal academics. The goal is reconnection—to family, to curiosity, to the natural process of discovery.
Protect Unstructured Time
Let your child be bored. Let them figure out what to do with themselves. This is where intrinsic motivation rebuilds. They might read, build, play, create, explore—or they might stare at the ceiling for a while. Boredom is the birthplace of self-direction.
Read Together—Without Assignments
Read aloud as a family. Let your child choose books they want to read. No quizzes, no narration requirements, no comprehension questions. Just stories, enjoyed together. You're rebuilding the association between reading and pleasure.
Follow Interests
If your child wants to learn about sharks, get shark books from the library. If they're obsessed with Minecraft, let them play—and notice the problem-solving, creativity, and persistence they're building. Interest-led learning during deschooling reminds children that curiosity is natural and worthy.
Go Outside
Nature has a way of resetting nervous systems. Hikes, parks, backyards, creeks—unstructured outdoor time reduces stress and rebuilds wonder. No nature journal required. Just time outside.
Connect as a Family
Cook together. Play board games. Work on projects. Have conversations. Part of what you're building in homeschool is relationship—and relationship needs time without academic pressure.
What to Avoid During Deschooling
- Workbooks and worksheets
- Formal lesson times and schedules
- Testing or quizzing
- Anything that feels like "school"
- Pressuring your child to "do something educational"
- Comparing your deschooling to someone else's active homeschool
Handling Outside Pressure
Grandparents, neighbors, and your own internal voice will all ask: But what are they learning? Shouldn't they be doing schoolwork?
Here's what you tell them (and yourself):
"We're in a planned transition period. Research shows that students need time to decompress between educational settings. We're focused on rebuilding our child's love of learning before starting formal instruction."
You don't owe anyone a detailed explanation. You made this decision for your family, and a few months of intentional transition won't derail your child's future. What might derail it: forcing academics before the emotional groundwork is laid and creating years of homeschool conflict as a result.
Common Questions
What if my child asks to do schoolwork during deschooling?
Let them. Deschooling isn't about banning learning—it's about removing pressure. If your child genuinely wants to practice math or read a science book, great. The key word is "want." If it's coming from their own curiosity, say yes. If it's coming from anxiety about falling behind, that's worth a conversation.
How do I know when deschooling is done?
You'll notice shifts: Your child shows curiosity without prompting. They're less anxious about "getting it right." They engage with ideas willingly. They've stopped asking "is this enough?" and started asking "can we do more?" There's no precise day—it's a gradual readiness. The one-month-per-year guideline gives you a general timeline, but your child will tell you when they're ready.
What about math and reading skills—won't they fall behind?
A few months of informal learning won't cause permanent gaps. Children are remarkably resilient, and skills come back quickly once formal instruction resumes—often faster than before because they're approaching it fresh. The alternative—pushing academics onto a burned-out child—often creates much bigger problems: learned helplessness, math anxiety, hatred of reading. A short-term pause prevents long-term damage.
What if we can't afford to wait—we started homeschooling mid-year?
You can do a modified deschool. Reduce formal academics to 30-60 minutes of the essentials (reading practice, basic math) while leaving the rest of the day unstructured. Partial deschooling is still valuable. Focus on keeping the required minimum light and stress-free while your child adjusts.
Your Next Move
If you're transitioning from traditional school, give yourself permission to pause. Mark a deschooling end date on your calendar using the one-month-per-year guideline. Then put the curriculum away and focus on the activities described above.
Use this time to continue your own preparation: read about homeschool methods, write your mission statement, observe your child's learning tendencies. When deschooling ends, you'll both be ready.
With your foundation built—your method identified, your mission written, your child's learning style understood, and any needed deschooling underway—you're ready for the next phase: choosing the actual materials you'll use.